big sigh

so you keep telling me that I'm human and you understand that I get mad and say stupid stuff in my aways and you don't care what I say you'll still be here and for that I love you even more. I know you probably always think its something w.me but its when people tell me things about their love life then I think about how I never experienced it w.anybody because your the only person I've ever wanted to be in love with. It hurts so badly to know that everything I want to do w.you you spent the last idk year doing it w.someone else and I really sat there thinking that one day that'll be me and I would get my fairytale but as the months grew I started getting very insecure. I thought it was because of the way I looked or because I don't have a car or the way I dress or talk or people I hang out with or even my body. I spent a long time thinking I was ugly and still to this day I don't think I look good enough for you. I've wanted to tell you this for so long but for what? I'm tired of thinking or trying to make something out of nothing I know you said friends first but times up I'm leaving to New York in a while and the way I'm feeling right now I don't ever want to come back. Don't feel bad for anything I'm saying its my fault you didn't make me fall in love w.you it was my choice. It was my fault I realized I was in love w.you when you were on the verge of making something happen w.someone else. I'm thankful that you showed me love you showed me that even though you were w.somebody I still meant something in your life. It may not have been the love that I wanted but it was close enough. I know you say you want me to go out and fall in love but this big ole heart of mime doesn't feel like it use to its filled w.a lot of pain and it hurts still I thought I was over it and you but talking to other people doesn't do anything for me. I may have had sex w.them but I really don't feel anything for them really. Its sad that your all I think about when I wake and go to sleep and throughout the day. I bet you didn't know a lot of this I bet you didn't know how I really felt and that's a little bit my fault since I never wanted to get close to you because I didn't want to bother you and bug you. I would love to talk on the phone w.you like we use to but I know that won't happen. There's just a lot I wish we could've done but will never get to do and when I think about it it breaks my heart a little more because I don't want to go out and start all over w.someone else and fall in love w.them I wanna stay in love w.you but its killing me inside to know that you don't feel the same way, but I guess that's life and I really need to get over it nothings promised and 031408 will forever be nothing more then a strong friendship!